I hate “Wrath of Khan”

Is this a movie or a cartoon?

“Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan” has to be about the worst movie EVER.  Star Trek movies of all manner have been playing over and over again on every major movie channel since Christmas so in some sort of geeky frenzy; we have set out to watch them all.  Yes, I know, we’re special.

Yesterday, the DVR grabbed “Wrath of Khan.”  It is definitely my least favorite in the series but I thought, “Hey, give it a chance.  It’s only been 15 years since you saw it last.  Maybe you will like it better now that you are a mature grown up.”

Nope.  Still the worst Star Trek movie EVER.  I just don’t like it.  The story line had potential but is slow to build and painful to watch develop in the “Please gouge my eyes out” way.  I’m sorry.  I know there are plenty of people out there, Trekkies and non-Trekkies alike that really love this movie but I absolutely hate it.  It’s pretty much three hours of my life I won’t get back.

First there is Khan.  He is part He-Man, part Siegfried and Roy.  Seriously, I spent the entire movie expecting white tigers to jump through flaming hoops to Yanni music.  The only thing he had going for him was the Ceti eel (yes I know the name.  Don’t be a hater).  Every time I have a nasty ear infection I am convinced I have one of these evil little crustacean like things growing in my ear.  My doctor and I even joked about the probability of finding one during my first Meniere’s related MRI.  We didn’t find one.  I was disappointed.  Maybe that is why I hate the movie so much:  I don’t really have eels in my ear.  Nah, it is just a bad flick.

And then there is the laughable portrayal of technology.  The movie was released in 1982 and apparently the early 80’s view of technology in two or three centuries was pretty limited.  The depiction of the retinal scan was absolutely priceless, as in I doubled over laughing hysterically during the entire scene.  I fought hard to suppress giggles at all the tactile buttons and switches.  Obviously there has to be continuity with the old TV show (which I absolutely adore and I am not embarrassed to say so, thank you very much!) but living in a touch screen world, it is really hard to swallow that a fictitious society that has mastered warp speed would still be using SWITCHES.

There is more of course but then if I wanted to go that route I should really sit down and write a 15-20 page research paper.  Hey, now there is an idea…

Now I know that “Wrath of Khan” set off the chain of events that would give me my favorites in the franchise (Star Trek IV is the best movie EVER, people) but we both could barely stay awake through it.  It is long, drawn out and long.  And drawn out.  Plus I have a hard time with Kirstie Allie as a Vulcan.  Not convincing at all.

Given the choice between Animal Planet’s new (insane) reality show about a pet taxidermist (“Animal Stuffers.”  Yeah, that was special last night) and the “Wrath of Khan” watching a guy put a tiara on a freeze dried Yorkie on a plush pink dog bed wins every time.

Feel free to hate me.  I am totally okay with that.

By the way, I didn’t get to run again last night.  This may explain visceral hatred of the “Wrath of Khan.”  Maybe.