Moving Right Along
I have been busy. Insanely busy. So busy in fact that I can barely remember if I put on deodorant let alone sit down and pen a blog post. But here are my thoughts for today:
I suck. The last two weeks I have barely run. I want to run. I have dreams of running. I crave running. I desperately need the solitude and strength I find in running. But I have repeatedly allowed the stress and anxiety ground me instead of burning it off on the trail. I have given myself every excuse: it’s too hot, I’m too tired, I have too much to do but I am really lying to myself. I have this nice cushy window between boot camp and work to run when it is nice and cool. I miss running desperately.
I finished my first five weeks! I lost a total of six pounds and have firmly secured myself as a size 14. I feel strong and I am certainly more flexible. I have re-upped for another five weeks. Actually, that’s not true. I signed up for an entire year.
I love the program. I love the girls. I love the work. I love the way my work out is always different and that I can now hold a plank for a full 30 seconds without shaking and I can do 20 sit ups when I couldn’t do ANY five weeks ago. I love that they have a running program. I love that they provide support on and off the field.
I am engaged in a battle of epic proportion with myself over my weight. I am trying to shake this last 10 lbs before I go to Scotland (more on that in a minute) but the scale refuses to move one way or the other. On the one hand I feel fortunate I have at least maintained, but on the other hand I am incredibly frustrated with myself for the lack of scale movement. I know, I know. I preach about celebrating non-scale signs of weight loss but in my stress, I have been visiting this very dark place within myself. It is not healthy and it is NOT conducive to achieving my goal. In fact, I realize that I need to set this goal aside for now and work on my underlying issue.
When I say I am under stress, I don’t mean the “I’m hosting a large tournament at the same time I am implementing a software application I wrote at work” kind of stress. That is exciting in itself but this is the “I have all that, a Meniere’s episode from hell AND life altering decisions to make” stress. And did I mention I leave for Scotland in less than three weeks??? So there has been pizza TWICE…and then I binged on Indian to the point of being sick and then there was the tofu and almond butter incident. I have even had soda. SODA. Empty, sugary calories that cause me to mentally spiral into a deep pit of despair. Literally. You would think it would be the life altering decisions I need to make but no, it is the damned root beer I enjoyed with pizza. Not once have I actually gone over my maintenance calories. Not once, but I could almost feel the fat creeping back onto me…despite the fact that my clothes have continued to get looser and the scale hasn’t moved one ounce. We all know the root beer isn’t the problem.
The Final Analysis
I run for health, both physical and mental. Running helps me focus, clear my mind and cope with the stress and anxiety. Pushing myself on a hill I hate gives me a sense of control and power that I utilize to resolve issues. In the absence of running, I cope with food but because I am so goal oriented, I feel a level of guilt and misery that is so intense it overshadows all the stresses and anxieties of my life right now. This is not normal. It is a coping strategy I developed as a teenager, this disordered eating, then spent my early twenties trying to resolve.
The irony is I understand that I am using this guilt over eating to find some level of control right now simply because I feel so overwhelmed by my lack of control, whether real or imagined, in other aspects of my life. I am mentally and emotionally raw. I am battered and broken, though I feel I have no right to be. I feel guilty for how I feel because there are others whose lives are so much worse. I am fortunate and thus do not want sympathy or empathy. I just want to get my shit together. I am working on it and fortunately, I have help.
Moving Right Along
Today, I feel stronger. My typical happy go lucky, everything will work out attitude is seeping back in. I am able to put things back in perspective:
- The tournament will be over on Sunday and things have come together very well.
- The implementation of my program is also going well and is being met with enthusiasm.
- One of the most stressful experiences of my life has come to a close with a mostly positive result.
- I know I have a great support network.
- I know that I am loved, even when I slide off the deep end.
- I am thanking my body for forgiving my abuse the past two weeks.
Have a great weekend, all! Enjoy this recipe for a delicious vegetarian and healthier variation of one of my favorites: eggs benedict.
- 1 – English Muffin, toasted (I used Trader Joe’s multi-grain)
- 2 slices – Tomato
- 1/2 Avocado, sliced
- 2 eggs, poached
- 28 g – Fat Free Cheddar Cheese
Instructions: Poach the eggs. Toast English Muffin. Top with cheese, tomato, avocado and egg. Serve.
Wondering where the hollandaise is? The yolk of a perfectly poached egg is a fantastic and tasty substitute. Trust me! It is delish!