I Hate Shopping

Here I am sporting crazy Bridal Shower game hair with Beckie and Erin. As you can tell, I am very fashion conscious.


I am not a shopper.  I do not enjoy spending hours walking the mall in search of the season’s hottest fashions.  I certainly do not enjoy trying on a multitude of clothing items which look great on the (barely) plus sized mannequin but make me look somewhat like a kiwi (the bird, not the fruit).  Even when I was a trim and fit athletic youth I despised shopping to the point where I could find a gown for formal dances in ten minutes flat.  Today, however, I find myself needing to make an actual shopping trip to acquire clothing.  Great, juuuuuuust great.

Much like my reptilian brethren, I have shed my skin or rather many sizes over the last few months.  Four to five pant sizes to be specific.  Managing the first two pant sizes was easy as I have always had the habit of keeping “fat clothes” and “skinny clothes.”  I had slacks that were previously a little snug that suddenly looked amazing.  But then one morning I slid on a pair of those super skinny jeans I had been aspiring to wedge myself back into and had a surprise.  They were sliding off my hips.  When I put on my belt I was confronted with another dilemma…the smallest hole was about 4” too big.  I determined that there was no real need to subject myself to the mall when I could simply punch an additional hole in my belt. 

And then it happened:  the comments from well meaning friends and co-workers, the wardrobe malfunctions, the constant search for some article of clothing that didn’t make me look frumpy (I may not like to shop but I do like to look good!).  The timing was certainly strange.  I had been holding my weight steady in a miserable plateau despite proper calorie management and increased exercise.  The scale refused to budge but my clothing choices had dwindled to a very small handful of slacks, one pair of jeans and a couple newer pairs of yoga pants.  Some of my most favorite tops which had previously shown off my assets are now saggy or even worse, shapeless.  Getting ready to go out to the ballpark on Sunday I had the horrible realization that I needed to punch another new hole in my belt…6” from the last custom addition.  I need to go shopping.  NOW.  Well, on Sunday but you get the idea.

Whether it is a dog sport, exercise routine or shopping, I need a clear strategy.  First, round up a gang of supportive yet honest friends who will both mock and adore me.  Second, develop a list of necessary items.  The challenge is that I do not intend to stay at this weight for long so I need a few carefully selected items that are both cost and fashion conscious yet can get me through until my goal.  Items required at present:

  • Slacks in the following colors:  beige, brown and black
  • One black skirt for work
  • Three or four seasonally appropriate tops for work
  • Two to three pairs of low rise, boot cut jeans
  • A three quarter sleeve black sweater

Third, map out the stores and schedule.  Easy enough:  Sunday:  Macy’s, Lane Bryant, Old Navy.  Fourth, remove anything from the closet that does not fit to make room for new items.  Fifth, avoid any further shopping at all costs.